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It was a more innocent time then, the days of Ozzie and Harriet on TV, John Wayne in the movies, and the Internet was decades away. Sex was something talked about in whispers and giggles, virgins were the rule not the exception, and parents were not afraid to let their kids roam the streets of our town by themselves.High school was not turning out to be a good experience for me. I was not one of the cool kids. Today, I would be called a geek, and would be proud of it, but in 1959 I was just one of the outcasts. Being uncool meant that it was just about impossible for me to have had any sexual experience. Not that I wasn't interested, I was as horny as any fourteen year old either then or now. I would watch the girls in school all day, peeking under as many skirts as I thought I could get away with, or imagining what those breasts hidden under blouses or sweatshirts would feel like. Then as I lay in bed at night masturbating I would build my fantasy images around whatever young lady. She hadn't finished with me; she looked at the pill-bottle where it lay on the floor near the wall, "So this is your answer to your problems? The melodramatic final act of giving me all your worldly goods and then 'Goodbye cruel world'?"Her sarcasm was vicious and cut through me like a sharp knife, paring away the altruistic veneer and exposing the selfish heartwood of my actions. I waited submissively for her to continue. I deserved everything that I got from her. She surprised me by sitting next to me and leaning her head against my shoulder. Almost without thinking I put my arms around her and hugged her. She sighed contentedly. We sat quietly while my mind continued to whirl with half-formed thoughts and questions. Eventually she started to speak."The drug that Steve gave me means that I can't remember that night properly. I get flashbacks and feelings, but I've long-since lost the ability to distinguish between actual memories and memories of memories. You think that you raped.
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